ESSAY # 11-writing task 2
**To what extent should economic planning be influenced by the need(s) ? of environmental conservation? [+ The Tony treatment]
I tried my best to do justice whilst writing this essay.Somehow, i feel unsatisfied.Perhaps because i had done a similar essay for i-words (#8).
Since the advent of the industrial revolution,many countries are taking quantum leaps to progress into the 21st century.Every year huge amounts of money in South Asia are invested for the construction of a modern world such as skyscrapers, malls, sports centres, latest technology and so on, but at the expense of exhausting natural resources. In this essay I shall be arguing that governments (The government of a country) should take steps to plan the yearly budget in accordance with preserving (to preserve) (the) nature, so that the individuality of the nation is not lost amongst the smog of constructing a new world.
Certain intellectuals believe that history is past (WC "dead"?), whereas the present is here to be (WC "created"?) availed.But does trading (of) green pastures or jungles for technology justify our egoistic ambitions?.(there's no full stop after a ?...c im using purple now;))Every year due to the rising levels of carbon dioxide and such air pollutants, millions of people die of cancer.Upsetting the web of life by destroying trees can cause natural disasters, such as the Tsunami which left 3 million people homeless and over 40,000 dead.Nevertheless, the day can still be (is) saved by a few eco-loving human beings.For instance, due to alarming levels of air pollutants (WC "spewed out"?) spurted by the industries in India, the Taj Mahal was losing it's (Mubs, how could you? G / P mistake) lustre.The government took extreme steps to bring the monument back to life by banning such industries, albeit it meant lesser cash inflow for the country. (Environment 1 Business 0)
Nature - (P) is a gift from (of) God.Unfortuately not many economic planners of various countries take this into account.Due to exceedingly high concentration levels of poisonous chemical's (G/P mistake)in the air and water, the Minar-e-Pakistan, ancient Lahore and Old fort are some of the (few) sites in Pakistan who's (G/P mistake) very foundations are being corroded . Several (Few) years back (, due to) a massive oil spill in the Karachi sea caused the whole aquatic life as well as atmosphere to suffer.Ecologists inspected the situation and concluded that the effects will be catastrophic and will remain for 10 years to come (u can write it this way? ...will remain for years to come, or 10 more years to come - also are you talking about the past / the problems NOW and the length of time it will take to clear up / recovery of the eco-system?).On a positive note, the government of Pakistan is trying to provide money to clean up the mess after such a disaster.Further more, in the UAE, a new governmental body named EWRDA has been (is) formed to save the lives of desert animals and aquatic life. Every year (Yearly), EWRDA campaigns in various schools all over the UAE are held to spread awareness amongst the younger generation (people).
Nature is man's friend (not clear).It provides us with comfort that we enjoy today.Sadly, human beings act as ecocides.It is not too late - yet, before nature's pleas get engulfed within the crescendo of modernization.
Excellent work Mubs. I really liked this essay! Its very well worded and the connecting words are also well placed. The conclusion can be more solid if you can give it a bit more substance. Don't let the ending fizzle out. Should be equally powerful as your topic sentence. But it is good nevertheless! So dont worry about it at all.
GOOD JOB. KEEP IT UP! :)
Yaz.
Don't get carried away with the rhetoric, Mubs! Where did you find "ecocides"? Is it a Mubs original?
I like the relevant examples that back up your argument.
As ever, I'd like a clearly stated thesis statement in the introduction (I-match pls take note) and I want a killer conclusion too. I'm not so sure of your use of the - punctuation mark, please explain why you need it.
Three alarming GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION mistakes - oops tiredness / late nights / pre-exam ennui ?
Don't try to say too much - your ideas are very creative and interesting don't "gild the lily" as we say in English (ask Mum about that one's meaning! :)
It's all there, just don't overcook the dish you're preparing.
Enjoy the ride!
bfn
Tony
I tried my best to do justice whilst writing this essay.Somehow, i feel unsatisfied.Perhaps because i had done a similar essay for i-words (#8).
Since the advent of the industrial revolution,many countries are taking quantum leaps to progress into the 21st century.Every year huge amounts of money in South Asia are invested for the construction of a modern world such as skyscrapers, malls, sports centres, latest technology and so on, but at the expense of exhausting natural resources. In this essay I shall be arguing that governments (The government of a country) should take steps to plan the yearly budget in accordance with preserving (to preserve) (the) nature, so that the individuality of the nation is not lost amongst the smog of constructing a new world.
Certain intellectuals believe that history is past (WC "dead"?), whereas the present is here to be (WC "created"?) availed.But does trading (of) green pastures or jungles for technology justify our egoistic ambitions?.(there's no full stop after a ?...c im using purple now;))Every year due to the rising levels of carbon dioxide and such air pollutants, millions of people die of cancer.Upsetting the web of life by destroying trees can cause natural disasters, such as the Tsunami which left 3 million people homeless and over 40,000 dead.Nevertheless, the day can still be (is) saved by a few eco-loving human beings.For instance, due to alarming levels of air pollutants (WC "spewed out"?) spurted by the industries in India, the Taj Mahal was losing it's (Mubs, how could you? G / P mistake) lustre.The government took extreme steps to bring the monument back to life by banning such industries, albeit it meant lesser cash inflow for the country. (Environment 1 Business 0)
Nature - (P) is a gift from (of) God.Unfortuately not many economic planners of various countries take this into account.Due to exceedingly high concentration levels of poisonous chemical's (G/P mistake)in the air and water, the Minar-e-Pakistan, ancient Lahore and Old fort are some of the (few) sites in Pakistan who's (G/P mistake) very foundations are being corroded . Several (Few) years back (, due to) a massive oil spill in the Karachi sea caused the whole aquatic life as well as atmosphere to suffer.Ecologists inspected the situation and concluded that the effects will be catastrophic and will remain for 10 years to come (u can write it this way? ...will remain for years to come, or 10 more years to come - also are you talking about the past / the problems NOW and the length of time it will take to clear up / recovery of the eco-system?).On a positive note, the government of Pakistan is trying to provide money to clean up the mess after such a disaster.Further more, in the UAE, a new governmental body named EWRDA has been (is) formed to save the lives of desert animals and aquatic life. Every year (Yearly), EWRDA campaigns in various schools all over the UAE are held to spread awareness amongst the younger generation (people).
Nature is man's friend (not clear).It provides us with comfort that we enjoy today.Sadly, human beings act as ecocides.It is not too late - yet, before nature's pleas get engulfed within the crescendo of modernization.
Excellent work Mubs. I really liked this essay! Its very well worded and the connecting words are also well placed. The conclusion can be more solid if you can give it a bit more substance. Don't let the ending fizzle out. Should be equally powerful as your topic sentence. But it is good nevertheless! So dont worry about it at all.
GOOD JOB. KEEP IT UP! :)
Yaz.
Don't get carried away with the rhetoric, Mubs! Where did you find "ecocides"? Is it a Mubs original?
I like the relevant examples that back up your argument.
As ever, I'd like a clearly stated thesis statement in the introduction (I-match pls take note) and I want a killer conclusion too. I'm not so sure of your use of the - punctuation mark, please explain why you need it.
Three alarming GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION mistakes - oops tiredness / late nights / pre-exam ennui ?
Don't try to say too much - your ideas are very creative and interesting don't "gild the lily" as we say in English (ask Mum about that one's meaning! :)
It's all there, just don't overcook the dish you're preparing.
Enjoy the ride!
bfn
Tony
posted by Mubs at
8:49 PM
2 Comments:
Thank you both,Sir Tony and Yasmeen for making my essay sooo colourful.(no sarcasm here)
I appreciate your effort in trying to make me realise my dumb mistakes.
ecocide-yes i did read it somewhere, can not remember whether it was the national geographic or some internet article.
I looked it up in my webster's and this is what it said:the destruction of environment or of ecosystem, as by the use of defoliants or the emission of pollutants.
One more thing Sir, will I sound amateur or novice when i state my thesis statement as "In my essay you will find the adavantages..."
"in my argument, i will highlight the pros and cons of ..."
Why not let it be general, but to the point, statsitical oriented statement which emphasizes my stand?.
By
Mubs, at 12:20 PM
Dusagree Mubs
Flag it up!
Spell it out!
Sound amateurish if needs be.
Play the IELTS game!
Keep scruples, principles for the rest of your academic career.
bfn
Tony
By
Tony Beale, at 2:14 PM
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