Essay # 14 + The Tony Treatment
** Education is the single most important factor in the development of a country.Do you agree? Plenty of 'fighting' talk here, Mubs!
In 1947 the partition of Pakistan and India took place.Sir Syed Ahmed Khan, a Pakistani educationist and writer advised muslims of Pakistan to attain education or continue to be ruled by the farengi or white man [rather 'aggressive' Mubs, can't you make a more general statement about the value of education in its own right? Besides, didn't the original Aryans come from present-day India/Pakistan?].Learning is to the mind what air is to the body.In my opinion, knowledge brings awareness to a human being and in my essay I shall be giving the upsides [WC, why not advantages/benefits?] of education which is the only gauge to judge a country's progress. [Thanks for the 'signal'!]
Learning makes a man forewarned thus forearmed.For example, the Quaid-e-Azam, founder of Pakistan and a !!! educated barrister, used his anaylitical [S]thinking and observation to reach a conclusion that muslims in the sub-continent were ill-treated.He used his knowledge of law and wisdom to bring all the muslims under the Pakistani flag.Furthermore, let me highlight how Pakistan was portrayed after the 9/11 attack on US - as a terrorist hub.To break this horrendous image,the current President P.Musharraf used his cabinet of educated,diplomatic and moderate peace-loving people to bring forward [WC 'promote'?] the soft image of the country.They helped to stress to the world that Islam does not allow harbouring of terrorists nor does it teach religious fanaticsm.
Due to such positive policies by the enlighted ,broadminded government in Pakistan, increasing investment is flowing into the country, thus doubling the annual G.D.P.In the province of Punjab, around 7 lakhs [WC, stick to x 100,ooo]children, who previously did trivial house jobs or sold newspapers and so on ,[P] have been enrolled into the schools.In addition, let me promote my stand on education being the sole [WC 'most critical' ? factor to influence the positive growth of a country.Mother's !!! of children need to be educated so that the child grows into a world citizen and act [SVA] as an ambassador of good will when he goes abroad.
To sum up my essay, let me quote Quaid-e-Azam's advise [S] to the youngsters of Pakistan:"As students, your first and foremost duty towards your country is to obtain education."Thus, i [P] reiterate my stand that 'only' education can allow us to accomplish our dreams.After all, it is and will be the only line to differentiate between us and the other lesser mortals.
Words:341
Time:less than 40 min
Only minor quibbles, Mubs. You have toned down the rhetoric somewhat - thanks! I appreciate your strong opinions, once again don't get carried away with the strength of your convictions and thereby 'overstate' your case.
Only one 'howler' - that one stands out from the text.
You seem well on track to meet your IELTS goals, well done.
As you can see, I have time at the weekend to help you, during the week the going gets tough, but then the tough's gotta get going too, ain't it?
Rock on for 9 / 11 June (mmmm that has a ring about it)
I-words and I-match people this is evidence for you that success in IELTS is not a fluke, or just down to luck, it's a matter of sheer hard work and application to the task that is before you. Ameen!
bfn
Tony the Taskmaster
In 1947 the partition of Pakistan and India took place.Sir Syed Ahmed Khan, a Pakistani educationist and writer advised muslims of Pakistan to attain education or continue to be ruled by the farengi or white man [rather 'aggressive' Mubs, can't you make a more general statement about the value of education in its own right? Besides, didn't the original Aryans come from present-day India/Pakistan?].Learning is to the mind what air is to the body.In my opinion, knowledge brings awareness to a human being and in my essay I shall be giving the upsides [WC, why not advantages/benefits?] of education which is the only gauge to judge a country's progress. [Thanks for the 'signal'!]
Learning makes a man forewarned thus forearmed.For example, the Quaid-e-Azam, founder of Pakistan and a !!! educated barrister, used his anaylitical [S]thinking and observation to reach a conclusion that muslims in the sub-continent were ill-treated.He used his knowledge of law and wisdom to bring all the muslims under the Pakistani flag.Furthermore, let me highlight how Pakistan was portrayed after the 9/11 attack on US - as a terrorist hub.To break this horrendous image,the current President P.Musharraf used his cabinet of educated,diplomatic and moderate peace-loving people to bring forward [WC 'promote'?] the soft image of the country.They helped to stress to the world that Islam does not allow harbouring of terrorists nor does it teach religious fanaticsm.
Due to such positive policies by the enlighted ,broadminded government in Pakistan, increasing investment is flowing into the country, thus doubling the annual G.D.P.In the province of Punjab, around 7 lakhs [WC, stick to x 100,ooo]children, who previously did trivial house jobs or sold newspapers and so on ,[P] have been enrolled into the schools.In addition, let me promote my stand on education being the sole [WC 'most critical' ? factor to influence the positive growth of a country.Mother's !!! of children need to be educated so that the child grows into a world citizen and act [SVA] as an ambassador of good will when he goes abroad.
To sum up my essay, let me quote Quaid-e-Azam's advise [S] to the youngsters of Pakistan:"As students, your first and foremost duty towards your country is to obtain education."Thus, i [P] reiterate my stand that 'only' education can allow us to accomplish our dreams.After all, it is and will be the only line to differentiate between us and the other lesser mortals.
Words:341
Time:less than 40 min
Only minor quibbles, Mubs. You have toned down the rhetoric somewhat - thanks! I appreciate your strong opinions, once again don't get carried away with the strength of your convictions and thereby 'overstate' your case.
Only one 'howler' - that one stands out from the text.
You seem well on track to meet your IELTS goals, well done.
As you can see, I have time at the weekend to help you, during the week the going gets tough, but then the tough's gotta get going too, ain't it?
Rock on for 9 / 11 June (mmmm that has a ring about it)
I-words and I-match people this is evidence for you that success in IELTS is not a fluke, or just down to luck, it's a matter of sheer hard work and application to the task that is before you. Ameen!
bfn
Tony the Taskmaster
posted by Mubs at
11:01 PM
3 Comments:
I just finished reading my corrected essay.Sir, with due respect, farengi was the term used locally to describe the British when they ruled the indo-pak subcontinent.It does not relate to the Aryans who are infact from the present Indo/Pak, as you correctly pointed out.
Now that i have used the word in my essay, i have my doubts because apart from some personal sites, this word is not listed offcially anywhere.
Secondly, i respect your corrections infact, i feel terribly responsible for slicing out much of your valued family time.
Just 6 days left...
By
Mubs, at 10:56 PM
This is the point, Mubs. Quite frankly, why dredge up the circumstances of almost 60 years ago and implicitly still "blame" the colonialist powers for current problems?
Colourful words like 'farengi' and even 'lakhs' are not necesarily understood outside the sub-continent.
Yes, my point is that the Aryan race originated from present day India/Pakistan. So beware of sweeping statements that do not necesarily enhance your argument.
keep up the sterling work!
All the best
Tony
ps the rest of the blogs are a waste of space compared to your determination and contribution.
By
Tony Beale, at 7:07 AM
nooooooooooOOOOoooooooo!!!!
yasmeen...why are you going??
Oh my Gawd!
Oh well...UR going to be here till the 7th right?
Thank you for pointing out the error.But yes, it still proves my point that attaining education was stressed upon even back then by our Muslim leaders.
Thank you for pointing out that Sir Syed supported and suggested the idea of women gaining education too.I will keep that in mind :)
keep in touch...
I will miss your ceaseless support!
By
Mubs, at 4:37 PM
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